Should a Woman Approach a man First? A Personal Reflection on Love, Courage, and Tradition

I opened this episode of the Skinnies podcast with gratitude and a little vulnerability. Returning to content creation came with real fears. Beyond wondering whether I could record again, I questioned whether people still wanted to hear my voice and connect with my thoughts. That uncertainty lingered quietly in my mind.

The response from listeners eased that fear. The engagement confirmed that my audience still cared, still listened, and still valued my perspective. That reassurance grounded the emotional direction of this episode.

Loving Without Expectation

Before I introduce the main subject, let's reflect on what it means to love one’s neighbour. Is it the “give-and-take” mindset that conditions kindness on reciprocity? I believe love should flow without negotiation or expectation of return.

Early one morning, while returning from an outing, I saw two young children—no more than seven or eight years old—walking with food items in their hands. One carried pepper. The other carried plantain. The sight unsettled me. I resisted judging their parents, but the scene revealed the heavy realities many families silently endure.

That moment reminded me how many people around us struggle quietly. Many individuals have the capacity to help but hesitate because they seek beneficiaries who can return the favour. I reject that approach. Kindness expresses love, not transaction.

I encourage conscious attention to people within immediate environments who genuinely need support—because compassion demands response.

Introducing the Central Question

This episode centers on a deeply personal dilemma. I recently admitted my feelings to a man I liked and expressed a desire for a deeper relationship. Before I took that step, I sought advice from several people.

“A Woman Should Never Speak First”

My male friends responded strongly against my intention. They insisted that a woman must never confess romantic feelings to a man—regardless of conviction or even perceived divine confirmation. According to them, silence and patience define the proper posture for women.

Those responses intensified my internal conflict. I feared that silence could erase a meaningful connection, especially in situations where mutual interest might exist but cultural restraint prevents expression.

Female Perspectives and Alternative Experiences

I turned to older women and female acquaintances for additional insight. Their perspectives differed sharply.

One woman shared her marital story. Her relationship developed organically without formal declarations. That connection grew into marriage, and today she lives with her husband and three children. Another respondent, who identifies as a feminist, affirmed that emotional honesty poses no problem as long as the man demonstrates maturity.

Despite those affirmations, concerns lingered. I worried about the possibility of diminished respect, mockery, or narrative distortion.

Faith, Tradition, and Social Conditioning

I then reflected on Christian cultural norms. Many Christian spaces still treat female-initiated romantic expression as improper. I questioned whether church leaders would advise a woman to speak openly about her feelings to a man within the same congregation.

Men often hesitate for personal reasons—financial instability, emotional unpreparedness, self-doubt, or perceived unworthiness—even when mutual attraction exists.

Standing at the Crossroads

I acknowledge my emotional divide. I value traditional courtship structures in which men initiate relationships. I admire and desire that model. At the same time, I recognize that silence can delay or destroy potential connections.

My developing position leans toward responsibility. I believe a woman may choose to speak when she accepts the consequences—whether favourable or unfavourable.

This reflection opens the doorway into a deeper exploration of choice, courage, and consequence.

Free Will, Consequences, and Personal Choice

In an earlier episode where I addressed the subject of sex before marriage, I shared a principle that still guides my thinking: nobody can dictate personal choices. Every individual understands what is right and what is wrong, and every individual also understands the consequences attached to each decision. Life operates on free will.

That same principle applies to the question of romantic confession. The choice to speak or remain silent rests with the individual. If a man responds negatively, the woman accepts that outcome. If he responds positively, she benefits from that courage. Either way, the responsibility remains personal.

This reflection also aligns with the present social reality where many argue that what a man can do, a woman can do as well—sometimes even better. If a man can ask a woman out, then a woman can also express interest. This stance represents a personal conviction rather than a universal rule, yet it emerges from observing how many women suppress their emotions while waiting endlessly for men to act.

Often, a simple conversation can resolve emotional uncertainty. A woman can express her feelings, receive a response, and allow life to move forward. That clarity prevents emotional stagnation, avoids unspoken resentment, and eliminates prolonged waiting.

However, silence often traps people in undefined emotional spaces. Some women remain in situationships for years, holding onto perceived “green lights,” only to realize much later that nothing was ever defined. Time passes. Opportunities fade. Clarity arrives too late.

Tradition, Norms, and the Question of Rightness

I continue to question whether silence remains the right standard simply because tradition enforces it. Many social norms exist because generations accepted them, not necessarily because they serve emotional health, honesty, or personal growth.

Tradition may define what is common, but it does not always define what is right. Societies often normalize practices without critically examining their emotional or moral implications. The fact that something remains customary does not automatically grant it moral authority.

A Bold Move or a Set-Up for Heartbreak?

This episode closes with an unresolved but honest question:

Was telling him an act of courage, or did it set the stage for heartbreak?

That question remains open for reflection. The intent behind sharing this experience does not aim to prescribe a rule but to encourage honest dialogue around emotional agency, choice, and responsibility.

I invite thoughtful opinions, not judgment, on whether speaking first challenges tradition for the better or simply invites unnecessary risk.

I remain Ayinke, the Skinny One. Skinnies Podcast now has a website where listeners can access previous, current, and future episodes. The community also remains active across social platforms, providing space for shared reflections and deeper conversations.